I am so grateful to feel.
To feel so deeply.
These past few months I have laughed, danced, cried (A LOT- it’s almost a daily occurrence now.), felt heart wrenching pain, encompassing rage, confusion, frustration, joy, passionate anger and deep, deep love and appreciation.
I am grateful for it all. Every single emotion.
A number of years ago I came out of a long term relationship feeling completely numb.
I felt nothing.
Not happiness, not sadness, just numbness and abyss.
I had lost sight of myself, who I was. What I liked, disliked… to the point that my best friend asked me to write down 5 things that I did daily that made me happy…
I couldn’t name ONE.
I needed to feel.
I so desperately needed something, anything to show me some kind of hope. Hope in finding myself.
I booked a 3 day solo trip to Patagonia off the back of a work trip in Argentina as that was all I had free, 3 days.
3 days to step away from everything and everyone I knew, in the hopes that along the way I would find even one part of myself that I had lost.
I remember sitting on the banks of the Lago di Argentina, my shoes off, my feet bare digging into the fine pebbles, walking into the shallows of the water and begging God, the Universe, Source, whoever or whatever was listening, I was unsure but I knew there was something holding me in that moment.
I begged to feel something.
Tears poured down my face.
I remember journaling for the first time and affirmations flowed.
This was my “Eat, Pray, Love” moment, as I like to call it.
The moment everything changed.
My decision to change.
The beginning of my conscious journey into rediscovering who I was.
A journey that is forever unfolding.
Every day, learning more and more about who I am, what I stand for, who I choose to be, how I choose to show up.
Sometimes old wounds resurface in new situations, but that is all part of the journey.
It is not about being perfect, it is embracing everything and allowing it all space to be.
I am not afraid to feel.
I was, for such a long time.
I am so grateful to feel everything. To have used the tools I have learnt over the years to create a safe container within, to aloe my heart to pour out whatever is present.
I feel liberated, free.
As humans we are meant to feel.
To feel everything, deeply.
Yet there is much concern and shame around feeling ‘negative emotions’.
We are comforted with words like “don’t be sad” “I don’t like seeing you down” “don’t cry”.
Our feelings are taken personally and often made about the other persons discomfort In witnessing your pain, over your own pain. Consequently, we slowly lose that freedom within to authentically express ourselves through fear of upsetting others or making them feel uncomfortable.
Our emotions are meant to flow through us. They are for us. Not for others.
They are not to be locked away and suppressed. That is where numbness and disconnect come from.
Our body becomes numb to sensation because we shut off our true self, using our body as a storage container for stagnant and festering emotions, never allowed to surface and be released.
In that relationship, my feelings were constantly invalidated.
(Feelings can still be invalidated, despite the person coming from a place of care, good intentions and trying to support you.)
The invalidation of my feelings meant that my heart closed a little each time.
Building a wall of protection around it each time my feelings were voiced but not heard.
Closed off from feeling because ‘I shouldn’t feel them’, they are not welcome.
So I became numb.
Moving further and further away from who I really was.
I tried to run from those feelings. I used drugs, escapism and alcohol to further numb myself and to help me to not feel the deep pain that I had locked away.
Mirroring the disconnect from my soul. My purpose.
I share this with you because it has taken me years to unlearn this.
To this day, it is an active practice for me to feel and allow my emotions, to know I am safe to express them.
Actively being mindful of my conditioning and meeting my fears head on, no more escaping.
But my tears this morning came simply from the realisation of how far I have come.
How deeply I feel now.
And just how beautiful and liberating it feels to feel it ALL!
To give myself that permission, to feel.
To have taught myself the tools to allow for the free flow of these emotions and move in my authentic expression.
Dance, for me, intuitive movement, is one of the most beautiful ways that feels so delicious for me to do this.
To connect to my body, my emotions and to fully feel.
If you would like to learn more, I would love to invite you to join one of my online workshops. (Check out the workshops page on my site!)
We will explore our bodies, our capabilities, our extremities of movement, then set it free to fully express.
If you have no dance experience, do not worry, this is actually perfect for everyone! It is about connecting, not performing.
I love you.